Thanksgiving is a day for feasting and for omnivores to express their preferences regarding the wide variety of foods available. I have been happily married to Minion Man for more than a quarter century, but the man still insists on jellied cranberries (ew) and making mashed potatoes (God gave us teeth for a reason). The moral of the story is that the “omni” part of omnivore is a complete lie: people don’t eat “everything,” just what they happen to like.

Roz Chast, The New Yorker

Roz Chast, The New Yorker

And so it is with crows. Aves Noir claims that crows have been known to eat over 1000 food items but I can guarantee that no one bird will consume everything from bats to Chinese food. Take Stephen and Gwen. They refuse to eat peanuts, which are supposed to be the go-to food for attracting American crows. Ditto for fruits and vegetables—even grapes, a favorite for Ruckus and the rehab crows who passed through this summer, are off the menu. Mice are in; hot dogs are out. Rabbit is fine, but dog food is unacceptable.

Caravaggio, Still Life

Caravaggio, Still Life

All of this makes it hard to come up with a Thanksgiving dinner for the resident corvids. I have finally settled for phonebook casserole. Crows adore phone books–they are delightful to rip up. By sandwiching treats (don’t ask) between the pages, I can give Gwen and Stephen a full day of cawing (the phone book must be intimidated), planning (food must be extracted), and destruction (phone book delenda est). Here’s wishing you and yours an equally happy and fun-filled Thanksgiving.